national lampoons christmas vacation - last minute gift idea

I prefer advil

"Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, d**kless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey s**t he is. Hallelujah. Holy s**t. Where's the Tylenol?"

Helen Hunt was never sexy

FARGO, N.D. -- A bank is giving its full-time employees $1,000 each and part-time employees $500 each. There's one condition - use it for people in need.

State Bank & Trust Chief Operating Officer Michael Solberg said each full-time employee will receive $1,000 and each part-time employee will receive $500, as part of a $502,000 "Pay it Forward" initiative.

"We're going to really see some huge impact on our community," Solberg said.

Employees were told not to use the money for themselves, their families or families of other bank employees. The bank asked each employee to document the good deed with a video camera. The deadline is June 30.

The employees were told they may choose an individual cause, pool their money for a larger project or collaborate with donors outside the bank. The privately owned bank has more than 500 employees, he said.

The bank made the announcement over the weekend.

In previous years, the Fargo-based bank has taken 5 percent of the company earnings and divided it up at holiday time among employees.



Why are we so afraid to do anything creatively? Why is a bank doing this, and not a "christian" organization? I hate to use a buzzword, but its clear why no one thinks God is relevant. These are the things we need to start doing if we want to impact the world. And just stop it with your sarcasm, "oh, what if these people use the money on themselves?" We need to give more people more chances to do the right thing, they may surprise us. We need to create and follow initiatives and ideas that are outside the "norm." We need to stop indulging ourselves. Its a simple formula that none of us quite understand, the more we invest in ourselves, the less good comes out of it, the more we invest in others, the better world we create. God gave us minds to be creative, this is why music and the arts are so important, they tap into who God created us to be. Use your frickin' noggin and lets go out and make a difference

Oh Gravity

And this just in, Congress passed a bill that all incandescent light bulbs are going to start being phased out in 2012 and eliminated by 2014. What does this mean? Start Replacing them now with compact fluorescents. They last up to 7 years and save a lot of energy, and if you were to replace thirty bulbs in your house, over the bulbs life span it will save you $500 to $1500 on your energy bills. But you shouldn't just do it for you, it saves all kinds of energy and greenhouse gases and stuff.

Turn on the magic of colored lights

Wow, it's interesting to note that I have received more responses with my critique of "Clash of the Choirs" than I have on many things prior. Not that I am complaining, but I am curious if its because I asked for replies, or if people just want to respond more to what's aggravating them. Maybe we are all just angry at something and we want to take it out on Kelly Rowland. Or maybe I really only have something to say when I am talking about pop culture. Either way, it's fascinating and perplexing, but keep up the responses. Argue with me or something. Let's debate serious questions like . . .






"Would you rather be machine-gunned to death by Lite-Brite pegs or be assassinated by Cabbage Patch Dolls?"



Favorite quote lately (paraphrased): You did X? You know there is an age limit on that sh*t, just like Fall Out Boy. -



Guess you had to hear that one in context





Between going and staying the day wavers, by Octavio Paz
Between going and staying the day wavers,
in love with its own transparency.
The circular afternoon is now a bay
where the world in stillness rocks.

All is visible and all elusive,
all is near and can't be touched.

Paper, book, pencil, glass,
rest in the shade of their names.

Time throbbing in my temples repeats
the same unchanging syllable of blood.

The light turns the indifferent wall
into a ghostly theater of reflections.

I find myself in the middle of an eye,
watching myself in its blank stare.

The moment scatters. Motionless,
I stay and go: I am a pause.


..> ..> ..>..> ..>..> ..>..> ..> ..>
..>..>..>
..> ..>

..>..>

We’re half way there

I watched "Clash of the Choirs" last evening and I have several observations and thoughts.



1. I should have had more than one glass of wine, especially when I realized Michael Bolton was going to play air guitar.

2. They will put anything on TV in an effort to sell an idea or concept. The whole premise of the show is a competition for charity, but it has a million sponsors and new release movies rely on the success of this piece of crap show.

3. Most famous musicians know little to nothing about music. Surely I am not suggesting that knowledge of music theory is necessary for being able to produce or feel music, but you definitely need someone who understands basic concepts to lead a group of people in reading and singing music. I understand this irritates me because I majored in music and that makes me snobbish, but seriously.

4. If Nick Lachey is the pride of Cincinnati, we truly cannot have ANYTHING in this city.

5. There are much better things I could be doing with my time. We all waste time. We make up excuse after excuse for why we don't have time to read the bible, or do a service project or visit our grandma, or . . . but the truth is, the only reason a show like this exists on TV is because idiots like you and me watch it (even if it is just to make fun of it) And before you go saying "I don't waste time on lame shows", I will spend time to argue with you over your 300 different clichéd crime dramas or your 500th house cleaning/life changing remodeling show or umpteenth reality show.

6. When did "Livin' on a Prayer" become a choral number? Most show choirs know this is stooping too low.

7. How old is Patti Labelle? Probably ninety, but kudos to her for extensive face lifts and for stickin' in there. Actually, I think she can still sing.

8. Will most of these comments be wasted, since I am betting most of you did not suffer through the show? I wouldn't have either, but I was being social and it gave me fodder for today.

9. Who was that country guy, and will anyone not currently living in Tennessee recognize him?



If you ever have anything to say, or want to sound off, please reply or hit me up. My job allows me a lot of free time and I can always use something to do

for sure . . .

Totally like whatever, you know?
By Taylor Mali
www.taylormali.com

In case you hadn't noticed,
it has somehow become uncool
to sound like you know what you're talking about?
Or believe strongly in what you're saying?
Invisible question marks and parenthetical (you know?)'s
have been attaching themselves to the ends of our sentences?
Even when those sentences aren't, like, questions? You know?

Declarative sentences - so-called
because they used to, like, DECLARE things to be true
as opposed to other things which were, like, not -
have been infected by a totally hip
and tragically cool interrogative tone? You know?
Like, don't think I'm uncool just because I've noticed this;
this is just like the word on the street, you know?
It's like what I've heard?
I have nothing personally invested in my own opinions, okay?
I'm just inviting you to join me in my uncertainty?

What has happened to our conviction?
Where are the limbs out on which we once walked?
Have they been, like, chopped down
with the rest of the rain forest?
Or do we have, like, nothing to say?
Has society become so, like, totally . . .
I mean absolutely . . . You know?
That we've just gotten to the point where it's just, like . . .
whatever!

And so actually our disarticulation . . . ness
is just a clever sort of . . . thing
to disguise the fact that we've become
the most aggressively inarticulate generation
to come along since . . .
you know, a long, long time ago!

I entreat you, I implore you, I exhort you,
I challenge you: To speak with conviction.
To say what you believe in a manner that bespeaks
the determination with which you believe it.
Because contrary to the wisdom of the bumper sticker,
it is not enough these days to simply QUESTION AUTHORITY.
You have to speak with it, too.

I think, therefore I’m not

People often ask me questions about the Emerging Church. What makes this interesting is, I have never claimed to be a member and I guess the great irony is, if you claim to be, your not anyway, and if you say your not, you may be . . .its all rather confusing.

I do not have enough stuff figured out to be accepted by anyone, but either way, here is a good synopsis. . .



What is the Emerging Movement protesting? Let me count the ways.

That's not an attempt to be funny: there is a list of at least ten items the Emerging Movement is protesting, and most would agree that it has its finger on some hot buttons. And let it be said that its primary focus in protestation is the evangelical movement and, sometimes but not always, the mega-churches that so clearly define and set the tone for the evangelical movement.

First, it protests too much tom-fakery in traditional churches. This generation of Christians is not as capable or interested in putting up fronts when it comes to "church" or when it gathers. Instead, it prefers a higher level of honesty. (Now the older generation would contend that hanging out dirty laundry is not advisable, while this generation is not so sanguine about the desire to protect.) Let me give one example: most evangelical Christians don't pray. (Stats show this.) Neither do they read their Bibles as often as they claim. (Stats also show this.) The Emerging Movement doesn't want this hidden in non-confession but wants it out in the open — and then it might even ask if reading the Bible is making a difference or if praying "works." It likes to ask these sorts of questions.

Second, it denounces the divisions in the Church. Why there needs to be so many kinds of Baptists or free church types or so many others kinds of churches is becoming more and more incomprehensible to the emerging generation. If the gospel is what it is supposed to be, if Jesus prayed for us to be "at one," and if we are supposed to be able to do things together, why not worship together? And, it denounces such divisions as much by raiding the entire Church tradition as anything else: increasingly the emerging generation finds things it likes in the Roman Catholic and Eastern Orthodox traditions — things that were "no no"s to a previous generation.

Third, it sees cock-sure certainty as a cancer. I will touch on this origins for this tomorrow in my post on postmodernity, but the emerging generation does not find certaintist expressions as amenable as less certaintist expressions — even when the same thing can be said in different ways. Certainty denies the frailty of humans, the limitations of our own minds, the need for conversation and relationship and communal growth, and it sets itself up for collapse the minute a more complete grasp of knowledge is found.

Fourth, it refuses to separate action from articulation. If the older evangelical generation found doctrinal statements the chief way of setting up boundaries, the Emerging Movement wants to see one's articulation expressed by one's action. "By their fruits, ye shall know them…" (I fell into some KJV language, but the point is the same.)

Fifth, it wants individualism absorbed into incorporation: that is, the Emerging Movement encourages personal redemption but solo-Christianity is not what Jesus wants. He wants to form communities of faith not individual Christians. (By the way, this is not a false dichotomy; it is ancient form of hierarchy.) The Emerging Movement will ask as much about how a community's spiritual formation comes about as how individuals are being formed. (So my current poll will soon find an emerging complement.)

Sixth, the Emerging Movement's mindset is against marketing the gospel. It is the simplistic packaging of the gospel, so it is sometimes said, that causes so many problems in the Church today, so the gospel needs to be presented and performed in such a way that its rugged realities are clear in the summons to join in the work of God in our world today.

Seventh, the Emerging Movement despises the idea that Church is what takes place on Sunday Morning, between 11 and noon. Sunday morning, if it is at that time or another time, is when the Church gathers to worship and share life, but the work of the Church is what occurs during the week as the local community of faith performs the gospel. Frankly, for many, stomach flu breaks out when they think of the ornateness and the elaborateness and the expense of Sunday morning services.

Eighth, the Emerging Movement rejects the hierarchy and pyramid structure of many churches. Authority is in God — Father, Son, Spirit — and not in the pastor or the elders or the board of deacons. Scripture, it must be seen, is an expression of God's authority and not an independent authority. The very notion that one needs pastoral approval for one's calling or one's promptings or what one is permitted to do many find unconscionably usurping of God's authority.

Ninth, the social gospel cannot be separated from the spiritual gospel. The Emerging Movement combines the Liberal social gospel with the Evangelical spiritual gospel and comes up with something that is neither Liberal nor Evangelical. To use my words (and you can trace this in my Emerging Movement Category in the sidebar), it wants a "purple gospel." It is not so much a denial of either but a combination of both. (There's a big difference in those two ideas.)

Tenth, the Emerging Movement wants to be Worldly. Not in the Johannine sense or in the Pauline sense, but in the Kingdom sense: it knows that God is working to restore the entire creation into an expression of his glory and so it summons everyone to participate in the grant work of God to restore and redeem. It embraces culture and state and politics and business and it protests old-fashioned Christian separationism and enclave Christian circles. The walls between Church and World, so it is suggesting, need to be impermeable and not permeable, they need to be knocked down so the passage from one to the other is an imperceptible as the passing of Jesus from one person to another.

1776

I was watching the Democratic Presidential Debate on TV the other day (I DVRed both the Republican and Democratic debates hoping to ascertain some idea of what's going on), and a questions was asked that still has me stunned. Now let me preface this by saying, several years ago I would have considered myself a hard core Republican, but that was mostly because the "Church" taught me that's what Christians were – Oh how foolhardy – and we wonder why no one wants to be a Christian; We NEVER seem to think for ourselves. Anyways, I have more recently decided that I am going to try to vote for the person who I think will do the best for the most people and not just for me. (Unlike say Christians who vote their agenda, or to be fair, people who only vote pro-union to increase their own wage or . . . ) See, too often we have made politics about what I can get out of it as supposed to the "what's best" approach. But I digress.

The question was "Is human rights more important than national security?" Let me preface briefly by saying the question arose from discussions of who to handle the war and other issues of diplomacy and trades in other countries. Let that questions sink in for a minute. What is really being asked here? We are talking about human rights measured against National Security. What sorts of implications do you get from this? Maybe my interpretation is a little extreme, but are we actually saying is it ok to disregard the rights of a human (whether they be guilty or innocent (and how do we define guilty) in the eyes of America) in favor of protecting our nation (or in other words, whats ours, or rather, what we think we have earned?) In other words, is it cool if we screw everyone else to favor and protect ourselves?

Have we really earned anything? Or is everything truly a gift from God? How much of your life have you acquired and how much of it is birthright? Does the American lifestyle make you better, or just more socially unaware? Should I be thankful to America because it affords me the freedom to question it? Is our world the world?

Here is what was scary. Every candidate said national security was more important, but then again, whether I say it or not, I think my lifestyle tells people I feel the same way. For that I repent, and am sorry. But how do I change? As a follower of Jesus, I cannot theoretically ever favor my luxuries over basic human rights . . . but I do. And its awful.

Talk to me, baby, won’t you talk to me?

So, yesterday, against my better judgment, I went to a Bengals game and tailgate even though I had a raging head cold. To make matters even worse, I told myself that I better drink, at least a little, because this was the second to last tailgate of the season and even if the Bengals are losers, we can still be winners at tailgates. Oh its so easy to make bad decisions.

This, however, turned out to be a good decision. Even though it was raining, and I was sick, something happened at this tailgate that had never really happened before. We were all huddled under a tent and we were . . . forced to talk to each other. We had nowhere else to go. And to make things even stranger, we were forced to talk to some people we usually would not talk to. . . oh my! Topics ranged from politics to quoting "Superbad" but the point is, we shared because we had to. (Kudos to Ken for realizing this before me.)

Why aren't we doing this more often? And I don't mean tailgating, although that would be nice, but rather, putting ourselves in seemingly uncomfortable situations so we are forced to communicate. Does communication sometimes happen by force?

People used to talk on airplanes, or so I am told. I, of course, would not know. I live in an age of iPods and in-flight movies. I never talk to anyone on a plane because I do not have to. I am missing something. This also goes for all modes for transportation, as well as the gym and other once social places.

We live in an age where more and more people take anti-depressants and say they feel lonely. Coincidence?

We need to start talking, and putting ourselves in situations where it may be necessary.

Shouldn't this be an ideal behind diplomacy? Have we made it all to easy to rush off to war because we no longer value communication? Am I stretching here? Maybe not.

And you say God never talks to you? Our lives are rather noisy, and filled with all sorts of items that are meant to aid communication, but don't they end up hindering it?

Have you ever not gotten off your cell phone, even when you checked out at the gas station or grocery? Or have you ever spent hours on the internet, sending and checking email, when your spouse/brother/friend was in your own house needing someone to talk to?

Think about it.

How can we better communicate? Would this solve anything? How do I slow down?

What’s in your wallet?

So I had this great idea for my family. It was simple. Let's take place in the Advent Conspiracy. Basically, it's a movement that encourages two things. 1. Instead of giving each other gifts, let's spend our money and resources on people who have real needs this Christmas and 2. If we do give gifts, let them be creative, hand made and from the heart (poems, letters, cd's etc.). Learn more www.adventconspiracy.com Anyway, you would think this would go off as a simple suggestion, but . . . it didn't. My first reaction was anger, and then it was disgust. Why wouldn't anyone like to give to people who really need it? (I thought).



But here is what I have come to realize. When we talk about giving or sacrifice, much more than our needs are challenged. Now certainly, all of us have a want for things; that is why I can safely say that I own 2000 cd's, 150 DVD's and an imitation Ginsu knife. That combined with those 3000 ads a day that I am always talking about are already enough to make this kind of sacrifice and giving hard, but its more than that. You see, my brother did not want to do it because he enjoyed the attention he got when it was his turn to open the presents. My one sister was sad her children may be deprived, and my other sister said she would miss the tradition and time spent opening several gifts. Am I saying my siblings are bad people? No. On the contrary, they are just like you and I. You see, every one of us has reasons why we do not give and sacrifice enough. Maybe for me its materialism, but for you it could be your love of tradition, or that you are trying to preserve ideals for your kids, or possibly it could take your own personal recognition or glory. From the very beginning of our journey towards God, our paths are full of a variety of obstacles. Most of the time, we rarely take time to realize what they are. This lack of awareness is what causes us to almost lose our willingness to give and sacrifice immediately. How are we to be more like Jesus, if we are not even aware of what's holding us back? And when we do realize, how do we get the strength to eliminate our obstacles?


What's holding you back?

Viagra and the Nissan Titan

Men of all levels of integrity have one thing in common: We are all in a contest to prove our manhood. More often that not, we are told it's the size that counts. Every guy thinks he needs a bigger truck, or stereo system, or wallet, but no matter what, we want things bigger. Guys can take this quite literally and get much too graphic in discussing the size of things that are of a more personal nature; nothing is off limits. The mindset is simple – Bigger is better. There is probably nothing you can say or do to get a man to see it otherwise. Sure, we here that size doesn't matter (it whatever context it comes) but deep down inside we believe our manhood depends on it. Not to mention the fact that Ads these days are showing oversized trucks stopping airplanes – my Vibe can't do that, and it seems I am told daily that I am not satisfying my girl, and suggestions to fix this problem range from buying a 12ct. diamond to taking a little blue pill. Oh the humanity!


But here's what I'm thinking. We can stand against these ideals and behaviors as Christians, but the very nature of our churches and institutions embody the ideals of manhood and size. How, you ask? Lets look at the size of our steeples. Or God-show. Or mailing campaigns. Or pews. Or . . .



Am I wrong, or does the majority of Christianity feel like a manhood competition these days? Why is everything about being bigger and better? Is this leaving everyone feeling like I do when I see the latest manhood commercial, completely inadequate? Are we cultivating a culture of competition? Where is the authenticity? How did we get here?

2 for tuesday

My head is stuffy, congested, clogged, or whatever word may fit for that gunk that's in my head. It certainly is that time of year. I am not sure how it is for you, but I feel like I spend have of my work day dodging people's sneezes and coughs, and I am afraid to touch anything after anyone else. Purell's stock will be rising due to the extreme purchases of hand sanitizer I will be making. Yet with all my precautions, I am still mucked up. Sometimes it seems there is nothing I can do to avoid the sickness.


Certainly, this applies to the seasonal colds and flu, but I am making the rather obvious association to the things in life that clog our minds. Not original I know, but it's early for me and it's the best I can do. I am fully saturated with gross thoughts. Rage, lust, greed and pride are the first few things that come to mind. When I think about my weekend, I am not making plans to make the world better, rather I am thinking about the next beer or two (or four or eight or . . .) that I am going to have with my homies. Is being social bad? No, but in temperance. (See my previous post).



How do we avoid these temptations? Can I blame all forms of media? Or the devil? Or a bad upbringing? Or am I to blame?



I cannot stand it when people give the whole "the devil made me do it" speech. Do I believe in the devil and think he is out to get us? Well, Yes. But he is a far too easy scapegoat for personal responsibility. Without getting all Joel Osteen here (Yikes), we do have the power to choose and it starts with really small choices.



I think most of us choose what's ordinary. But Jesus, he was extraordinary. That's one of the many reasons his message has lasted so long. Sure, he was the Son of God, but his radical love was extraordinary. It was different. Unlike anything in human history. Respecting and loving the poor and the disenfranchised and the sick and all of us with stuffy heads.



When we live ordinary lives, we get stuffy.



What does ordinary look like?



Ordinary looks like binge drinking at a frat or sorority house. Ordinary looks like cheating on a test. Ordinary is taking credit and pointing out every little thing that you do to bring glory to yourself. Ordinary is sleeping around and forming false senses of love. Ordinary is avoiding situations that make you uncomfortable, even when it leaves your friends and families hurting. Ordinary is spending your money and time indulging yourself because you think you deserve it. Ordinary is ignoring people who need help around you. Ordinary looks a lot like sin.



So what is our spiritual Afrin? Do something extraordinary. It may be that simple of an idea, but certainly a harder practice.

I don’t proofread

I am a victim of our culture - the one you and I created. My lack of blog writing is not really a lack of something to say; rather it is a reprieve I give myself for working too hard. When faced with the prospect of writing a blog, I simply determine that after my eight hour day (one in which I did maybe 15 minutes of real work), I deserve a break. Why do you and I do this? Burdened with an eight to ten hour day, why do we come home and produce stats like the average American watches 6 hours of television a day? Have I ever mentioned that consumerism is ruining America?


How do we sell something? Simple. Convince someone they are not complete unless they have our product. This ideal has had a similar effect on our productivity. Ad after ad after ad tells us that we deserve a break. First it was a Snickers, and then it was a time share, but either way, we all bought the lie.



Didn't the Lord intend for us to have a Sabbath? Surely, but that was based on a six day work week and did not account for a six hour mini-Sabbath every evening.



What was the point of Sabbath in the first place? A day devoted to the Lord, in worship and praise. And wasn't this needed after a week of not only serving your job and your family, but serving and loving the people God intends for us to care for? Even after we punch the time card?



My birthright has put me in a great position. I will never know what it feels like to not afford to eat. Granted, I have squandered away great amounts of cash, but I will never end up starving to death. My friends and family would not allow it. My birthright. To make matters worse, this birthright put me into good schools, and with a little bit of brain power from God, I have never had to study a day in my life – nor did most of my friends. Why do I mention all of this? Because it's a blessing, and a curse. Never did I learn perseverance. My life made things easy. Never did I learn to really work. I never had to. Add this to our ad campaigns, and I have bought in completely.



Do I sound like a self-loathing American, completely ungrateful and unaware of how good I have it? Probably, but that's not my intention. I am lucky to even be in the position to complain freely about how easy things have been. My point is this: I am complacent. You are complacent. This country is complacent. We are not fighting a bigger battle. We live to serve ourselves. We give this attitude to our churches and our church members and then wonder why this world is constantly hurting. And it starts with me (you).



How do we change? Is more productivity the answer? What would be productive? What should I do tonight instead of watching Monday Night Football? Should I have skipped the blog and instead found a way to love someone who needed to be loved?